I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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