He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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