For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
