Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
