I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
