I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
