No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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