I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
