I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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