Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
