she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
