we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
