Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
