he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
