We're facebook friends in real life
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
