I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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