I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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