My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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