That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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