I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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