I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
