I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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