I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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