i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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