I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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