If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
