I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
