You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
