apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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