I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
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Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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