After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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