Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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