Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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