Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
