I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
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I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
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I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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