see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
