I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
