Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
