Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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