i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
we made out on top of his cat.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
