No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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