Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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