I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
should my penis look like a turkey
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
