i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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