end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
