the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
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He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize