You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
