the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
