Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours