remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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