Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
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Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
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I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go