Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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