honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
