eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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