what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
