So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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