yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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