I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
